So called love
by Valiant00000
Summary: Traumatic abuse can turn the strongest people to the weakest. As much as mac wanted better, he couldn't grasp the fact that this wasn't okay.


"that answers all the questions I didn't ask"

Matty exasperated *sigh* hit the group.

Mac could feel matty's eyes on him, It was a usual one of her stairs, cold but a level of concern was still there. The team was wrapping up the debriefing from their latest mission.

Mac was focused more on the steady rhythm of his Bobbing leg. 1..2...3 1..2...3 trying to focus on the steady motion but the panic was hitting mac's brain full force.

/ i need to get home/

mac glanced down and his watch trying to create the impression of being bored instead of the panic attack he felt coming. "You okay bud" he felt jack hand clasp his shoulder reassuringly . Macs head darted up, blinking rapidly as he muttered "ya, just tired" his head sinking into his hands "kinda want to get home you know" offering jack a small smile.

"Mac go home, don't make this a regular occurrence, it's not like you" matty avered

"Gonna go have some fun with your 'boyfriend' huh?" Jack laughs clapping Mac on the back,

Stiffing back a wince as jack had hit a particularly sore part of his back. Mac turns bright red eyes sinking to the floor. Before any of the other agents had time to speak, he turned and fled the room.

Matty's eyes bore into jack "you just don't know when to stop, do you?"

Riley shook her head *huffing* as she exited the room, bozer glanced up at jack leaving right behind her.

Jack hadn't meant to embarrass the kid, he was just trying to make a comedic thing over his feeling of loss. 2 months ago Mac had announced he was moving in with his boyfriend of 6 months, Bozer had taken it the hardest feeling like mac was trying to intentionally leave him.

Jack had to have a man to man talk and explain what it was like to be "young and in love".

He couldn't quite place how he was feeling, it was like a part of him was suffocating and he couldn't quite find the air he needed to breath. Eventually he pinned it down to it being loosing time with his best friend.

/he not gone, he's still here, nots much changed right? He's just… spending less time with his friends, completely normal right? Right" /

Shoving his key into the whole he hastily entered his "boyfriend's" apartment.

/ Shit, i needed to be home an hour ago, god this was a stupid mistake/

His eyes focused on the back of Adrian's head who sat nursing a beer as he watched the blaring tv.

"Hey" mac sat gently beside marcus on the couch giving a soft sympathetic look.

"Its good your home"

""Glad im home"

Adrians hand reached and innocently rested on macs arm, sensing his mood to be calmer Mac visibly relaxed. He was expected another shouting match for being late, maybe an accusation or two?

This is good, it's good. He's not mad. "I missed you"

"Really?" adrian's demeanor still seemed innocent. Mac head dipped in getting close to Adrian's lips. Adrian was all for physical intimacy, he'd made that 'very' clear since the beginning, mac knew it was a way to detain some of adrian's angry outbreaks.

An angry shove broke the thoughts for a peaceful night. With no struggle Adrian straddled the younger man beneath him.

"what , you think you can just ignore me"

Mac shook his head almost viciously

" i TOLD you to be home by 8"

"i…"

"What time is it now?"

Mac could feel the anger seething off of the larger man. Adrian added pressure when Mac didn't respond right away.

"11:00 i know, i tried, i'm sorry" he gasped for breath from the applied pressure.

"Is it that fucking hard, i ask you to be here and you're not"

"I'm not,,"

"Just fucking shut it Bitch " getting intimidatingly close to Mac's face.

Adrian left the couch nothing close to gently, leaving mac gingerly sitting up and staring apprehensively at his fuming boyfriend.

For a man who could improvise his way to beating

8 men at once, he felt completely powerless against Adrian. Macs emotions were the only thing people could use against him.

"I'm sorry"

Adrian seemed taken back by the soft words out of his others mouth,

'Scoffing' he took a strong backhand to Mac's face

"Get to bed.. NOW"

Mac eyes watered immediately, Adrian wasn't one for hitting him in the face. Adrian was smarter then that.

Giving one last glance to Adrian mac stepped into the bedroom.

Tears burned in his eyes threatening to fall. Thoughtlessly shedding his clothes he quickly huddled under the comforter, laying his frazzled head down.

/hes mad,i didnt listen, he cares, he love me , it's my fault/

Macs thoughts wandered to when he had first stumbled into Adrian, a huge conference eight months ago. Mac had felt drawn to him right away quickly picking up a long lasting conversation with the man, they had kept in contact and soon enough they were on their first date. Adrian seemed thrilled with his antics and Mac felt like finally for once he could be himself around It was around the 4th month mark when Adrian's possessive and violent mannered started to show themselves , and his actions and words seemed more like orders then questions or loving. By then he'd already been able to convince Mac that he was the only one that would actually put up with him, preying on the young man's insecurity From his childhood

/i can't ruin this/

Holding back a sob,

Mac curled tighter into the sheets. He could hear Adrian enter the room.

"This is why people leave you mac" he said laying down beside Mac /oh god no/

"You make them leave, i don't know why i put up with this" his eyes dug a nasty whole deep in mac.

"No no no no… i'll make it better" the pleads hit Adrian's ears like music.

"Sussh.. I know, baby go to sleep

Adrian's arm wrapped around him possessively and mac closed his eyes, trying to pretend that he wasn't in this situation. /i can't believe your this weak / a traitorous little voice echoes

No no no no… he chanted silently until the darkness of sleep took over his weary body from the events of the evening

Macs head Lolled to the side as the Brightness of the room hit his eyes, his eyes turned to the empty side of the bed beside him. He pulled the blankets up feeling a sense of calm in the warmth they provided

Glancing over at the clock that read 10:36 mac slowly slipped out of bed and threw a shirt and sweats on.

Mac examined the bruise on his cheek,

/not going on for a few days, really no need to worry/

It's not like Mac didn't know what an abusive relationship was, oh he knew alright.

/Everyone already looks down on you, you're young and can't take care of yourself, imagine what they would think of you now/

these thoughts kept mac from voicing the problem to his friends, he could do it himself right?

/I'm not weak/

His stomach giving a low growl, brought Mac to the kitchen, giving him the realization he hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday

He moved over to the microwave that had one of his mac's inventions added to it. Remembering the day he had built that and Adrian's bright smile,

It was one of the days he felt Truly loved,

The peacefulness of that day left a smile on macs lips, days like that made mac cling on to the relationship with everything he had left in him.

Macs hand lazily brushed the microwave trying to

Control the sense of low he felt creeping up.

Vile crept up in his throat causing him to splutter and Quickly sat on the sofa near the window.

Adrian wouldn't be home until 4:00 giving Mac the day to himself in the apartment. The phoenix agents had been given the next week off.

After a few minutes on the couch he forced himself to get up and make a small bowl of oatmeal, knowing if he didn't eat now he wouldn't bother eating at all.

He sat back down, picking up a book he kept on the side table. "On the origin of species" a Charles Darwin classic.

Bozer had always bugged Mac on his reading choices. He could actually admit to himself he missed boxer's crazy movie ideas. Afternoons of ping pong balls and bozer following him with a camera. Immense guilt came with these happy thoughts.

/I miss you Bozer /

/How could I have let go of that's part of my life/

He felt his phone buzz

bozer : get together my place noon to, be there bro

Quickly typing back

Mac: wouldn't miss it

Mac was sure if he asked nice enough he'd be able to convince Arian to let him go.

Another text popped up on the screen

Jack: bud i better see you at bozers tomorrow

A slight smile graced his lips, good ol Jack. The one person who always had his back, people always thought as him of judgmental but mac knew jack didn't judge him in the slightest.

Mac had always privately hoped that he and Jack could of been something more.

Jack deserved the best and he certainly couldn't give him that.

The afternoon whisked by and he kept his head buried in his book. He heard the front door click open and Adrian briefcase dropping loudly in the kitchen. The clock read 9:00pm mac shook his head, had he really read that whole time. Mac silently got of the couch and made his way over to the kitchen stopping in the doorway.

"What have you done all day" the frustration in his voice overly evident

"just read" mac shrugged

"Hmmm.."

Leaning over Adrian brushed his lips against his, then pushing in for a more brutal kiss pinning Mac against the fridge. As the pressure was released both men panted heavily.

Adrian made his way over and grabbed a glass filling it with water.

"There's a get together at Bozers tomorrow"

"When" he turned and glanced at the blond

"12:00, i'll be back before you get home"

"Who's going to be there"

"Oh you know,Riley , Matty, Jack"

"Just make sure your home when i get home"

Mac grinned and strolled over leaning in and slowly pressing their lips together.

A buzzing from the counter broke the pairs embrace both turned to look at Mac's phone on the counter.

"Adrian" mac grasped at his hands as he grabbed the phone on the counter.

Jack: you feeling better from last night?

Mac gaspes has adrian slammed im into the nearby wall,

"What happened last night Angus" giving a nasty tone on Mac's first name. Inwardly flinching he struggled for words, Adrian shoved his weight into mac

"What did you do with him?"

"Nothing" he gasped out "it was a debriefing and i was tired, i needed to get home…. to you"

"You think i believe you" giving mac a shove. "You let him use you didn't you"

"I should have known you fucking whore" spitting in macs face. Aggressively grabbing macs arm he dragged him to the bedroom and drove mac down into the bed. Pinning mac down and harshly attacking his face witha brutal kiss .

"Your mine" he growled

Macs thoughts whirled traumatically

"Stupid" hammering his fist into macs ribcage

"Goddamn" another hit striking the body beneath him

Whore"

"Trash"

"Unworthy"

"Useless"

Adrian screamed at mac showering macs abused ribcage with more fists.

Rolling off adrian left to the bathroom slamming the door behind him. Curling into a ball the blonde choked back painful sobs.

/do you deserve to escape this/ macs thoughts pushed him deeper into distress.

/good job, you made the person who loves you mad/

His mind wandered to jack and he imagined how things could have been different.

/how could jack ever love you/

a silent tear etched it's way across his face and he hardly was aware of the door opening and Adrian lying down beside him.

Feeling the man beside him shift, Mac spared a look at the clock, 5:30, he shifted over glancing at Adrian.

"Have a good day" mac's voice was quite.

"Don't do anything stupid" Adrian huffed as he crossed the room and shut the bathroom door.

Laying back down mac listening to the ticking of the clock focusing on its "tick, tick, tick.."

He heard Adrian shuffle around the apartment and the apartment door opening and closing.

Sighing Mac let the clock lull him back to sleep.

When his eyes reopened it was past 11;00

"shit , i'm supposed to be at Bozers my 12:00" scrambling up. Immediately he let out a hiss of pain, lifting up his shirt to see dark bruising around his ribs from the assault last night.

Not giving the pain a second thought he threw a pair of jeans and an old t shirt on.

He promptly grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

Making it to Bozers in decent time, slowly he made his way up the steps getting used to the slight pain as he walked. Just as he went to knock, the door swung opened and he was met with boxers smiling face "get in here would you"

Pulling mac in, the smile turned quickly into

A look at concern

"Dude What happened to your face"

"Oh… you saw how tired I was last night, I fell into the banister at home" mac lied remembering the fist he had gotten to the face last night

Bozer gave Him a uneasy look but left it at that.

The afternoon consisted of the usual game of truth and dare and Jack had already downed half a bottle of hot sauce and was trying to act like it was nothing and was failing miserably.

The game soon ended and the group ended up around the fire telling embarrassing stories.

Bozer like always had the weirdest stories that made most people very concerned "One time i accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar, i thought it was terrible wine"

, they had got onto the conversation of things they'd done when they were drunk. Mac groaned as jack told the story of how mac and him ha somehow built a swing set when they were drunk. Mac smirked remembering Jack's confused look and him throwing his arms up and saying "well i'm not trying it". Laughing he glanced up at jack.

The man was in a deep laugh and was looking the other way. His eyes continued to rest on his partner, jack was so incredibly gorgeous when he laughed. It was a sound Mac could hear for the rest of his life. Lips pressing together and Jack's smiling and laughing with him,

/what would it be like, waking up and seeing jack/

A bitter taste raised in his mouth, his eyes glancing downwards.

/you really think he'd put up with you/

Raising his head again, green eyes met dark brown Jack genuine smile made Macs chest twinge

For a split second that future didn't seem all that far away, not so unattainable as he'd always felt it had been. A buzzing from Mac's pocket brought his attention from jack and he quickly snatched his phone from his pocket. Dread hitting his stomach hard.

Adrian: WHERE ARE YOU?


End file.
